Post of the Day

It's a terrible thing when lamposts fall out.

Sex, Lies & Audiotape

A friend of mine sent me an interesting link. You know those audiotapes, or cds you can get that have the sound of whalesong, tranquil beaches or even sunsets (Really. We had one at work. What does a sunset sound like anyway?) that you are supposed to play, settle back and relax to? It seems the latest sound to chill out to is... The Library. Click on the link if you don't believe me.

There. Can you hear it? Are you feeling relaxed? That's because it sounds NOTHING LIKE A LIBRARY! I should know, I work in one but I'd love to work at wherever this was supposedly recorded. Where's the beep of the computers? The constant ringing of the telephone? The tearing sound as the printer chews up the paper for the third time that day? Where are the sounds of people complaining that the web filters on the computers seem to be preventing them from downloading porn? And where's the smell that emanates from the slightly enclosed and completely airless computer suite (Yes you could definately hear that hum).

I've a good mind to complain.
Except I'm actually feeling far too relaxed...

Proffessor X's School for Gifted Youngsters: We Don't Run Background Checks

Professor X: So, you'd like to enroll at my school?

Wolverine (absently lighting a cigar): Yes, sir. Very much so.

Professor X: And how old did you say you were?

Wolverine (scratching his mutant sidies): Er... (coff!) twelve?

Professer X: Get out.

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I can't bring myself to go and see X- Men 3.
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to, as if they seem to think I'm some sort of comic geek or something (as if... well maybe a little).
I've never been a huge Wolverine fan, so I haven't been too keen on the huge amount of focus his character has had in the first two films. They keep talking about a Wolverine spin off film but what's the point- The X- movies are just Wolvie films.
I've never really understood why his character is so popular. He's this hairy old guy that likes to hang out with the young girls on the X- team. That's not cool. Shadowcat? Jubilee? The ongoing obsession with Jean Grey? The fact that he seems to have been married to every female villian going in the comics? It's wrong I tells ya.
And lets not talk about the 'Ultimate' range of Marvel comics that actually has Wolverine sleep with a far too young Jean Grey; statutary rape apparently being the Marvel way now. For crying out loud, depending on what his current origin is he's between 60- 160 odd years old.
I think another reason for my bitterness is the fact that when I started reading comics X- Men was one of the titles that got me started. Over the years it just went steadily downhill, culminating in the truly pointless 'Onslaught' storyline which if I remember correctly involved Professor X's pent up sexual frustration turning him in to an unstoppable purple helmeted killing machine. I'm not joking. This was the point I realised there had to be better comics out there. Today I tend to stick to Warren Ellis written stuff that, while it still features an occasional unstoppable purple helmeted killing machine, is at least well written and deliberately funny.
I did gamely try to stick with X- Men for a little while after 'Onslaught', presumably through some misguided sense of loyalty. However after the first X- film came out they tried to make the comics more like their celuloid other, changing the costumes to the black jumpsuits of the movie and even making the features of the characters look more like the actors that had played them. The best example being the ugly bouncing midget Toad suddenly turning in to Ray Park with little more than a throwaway line as an explanation. They even changed the powers of comic-Toad so that they were suddenly the same as the movie version of Toad. Why? Who knows. You would have thought that the comic, being the original source, would at least stay true to itself. It didn't. I still take a quick peek to see whats going on every now and then. So far nothing has ever convinced me to give it another chance. Not even the combination of Joss Whedon and John Cassady working on it.
So the Wolverine heavy trailer for X3 and the rumours I've heard haven't convinced me to see it. Wolverine and Storm are two of my least favourite characters and the film seems to have them as the team leaders now- star pulling power overiding established characterisations from the comics I knew.
I know the films are a different type of creature to the comics but I'd just like to see them done with at least some of the heart of their origin. I know it can be done- Just look at Spidey 1 & 2.

***POSSIBLE SPOILERS***

When Rhub saw the trailer he complained about the fact that Wolverine and Storm seem to be leading the team. Like me he would have liked to have seen Cyclops have something to do, other than be incapacited early on in a fight. In fact from what I've heard Cyclops is so incapacitated in this one he is in fact dead.
Rhub also mentioned the fact that the schools pupils like Shadowcat and Colossus suddenly seem to be fully fledged X- Men which, lets face it, shouldn't be any surprise if Wolverine really is leading the team...
It just looks like they are trying to cram too many people in to an already crowded franchise.
I've also heard that Professor X escapes death by transfering his conciousness in to another body in the worlds most elaborate hair transplant. I'd rather have seen a battle with giant sentinels but each to their own.

***********************

I'll leave you with this thought. The internal timeline of the comics means Wolverine has been part of the X- Men for roughly 20 years. During this time he's been through various relationships (even marriages) and throughout it all he has constantly mooned after Jean Grey, continuously pursuing her even when she was married herself. So why do people still think he's cool when he is clearly the mutant equivalent of Adrian Mole?

If you have seen X3 and think I'm being too harsh you can convince me in the comments section. I really want to be wrong!

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THE X MANSION, LATER THAT SAME WEEK

Professor X: So you'd like to become a teacher here Mr... Logan?

Wolverine: That's right, bub.

Professor X: Are you drinking a beer in an interview?

Wolverine: Beer? No. Oh, you mean this? No I confiscated it off one of the little bastards. 'Snot mine.

Professor X: If you don't mind me saying so, you don't sound particularly well educated.

Wolverine: I'll have you know I'm incredibly well spoken, dontchaknow. The gruff front is just for credibility. Chicks, sorry, ladies do rather enjoy it. I'm ever so posh, me.

Professor X: And what did you say your power was?

Wolverine: I penetrate people with my steely protrubrances.

Professor X: Get out.

Everybody's Gone To War: Store Wars 2

I've had this Nerina Pallot song stuck in my head for a while now. I keep hearing it on the radio in the mornings while I'm getting ready for work then I'm stuck with it for the day.
I first heard Nerina Pallot about six years ago now when I was working in a stockroom on my own. There was a cd player there so I had a rummage around for something to listen to and found her first album tucked away on a shelf. As most people that know me will tell you I have a thing for wailey women.
If you haven't heard it yourself yet, give it a chance at the link below. The video for it is quite amusing.

In the future all wars should be fought like this.

Store Wars

Finally!
I had an email the other day from Redrawn with the following link.
Yes, that's right they are actually going to release the original Star Wars trilogy on dvd. The original theatrical release unmolested by Lucas' filthy, meddling hands. At long last a whole new generation can get to see what a magnificent bastard Han Solo actually was as he gets to shoot Greedo first rather than take the slightly puzzling chance that the alien idiot will miss at point blank range. Luke Skywalker will no longer need to be puzzled by the strange ghost that appears at the end of 'Jedi' when he was expecting to see his father and the irritating voice of that Binks abomination will no longer haunt the final scenes.

It's about time.

If there is anyone out there who feels they cannot wait for the dvd release hopefully the following will keep you entertained in the meantime. Click here to see the magnificently odd Store Wars, featuring Ham Solo and Chewbroccoli.

United States of Maternity

Frightening goings on in the US at the moment, where women's rights seem to be getting carefully eroded away by an incredibly vocal few.
To begin with Bill Napoli, a senator from South Dakota waded in with his frankly disturbing views on abortions, which if you haven't heard I recomend you go here to get yourself an idea.
Clearly nothing wrong with him then. I would be interested to know why he would only sanction help going to a rape victim if she was religious? How religious would you have to be? What religion do you have to follow? I can't help but feel we are talking about commited christians only here, but that may be my own bias view of American senators coming through. Would buddhists or atheists be politely but firmly ignored?
Then I go to have a look at Graycastle's site to find a link to this Washington Post article.
Yes, you read that right. Women who have yet to reach the menopause are to consider themselves as pre- pregnant whether they plan to have children or not.
Now I know that I'm the last person who should be getting on their soapbox about this issue as I'm well aware that unplanned pregnancies do happen (twice?!) but this sounds dangerously close to treating women like nothing more than cattle. Doubtless some of the people involved in this discussion have the best of intentions. Perhaps they just needed to give a bit more thought to what it was they wanted to say. With populations increasing childbirth seems to be doing okay for itself. Surely a bigger issue is the general health and wellbeing of EVERYONE. We all need to look after ourselves and really shouldn't be told to do it just because we might one day get pregnant. We should take care of our health because it's the right thing to do, male or female.

"Women should also make sure all vaccinations are up-to-date and avoid contact with lead-based paints and cat feces."

So does this mean it's alright for men to have contact with lead based paint? All this time I've been avoiding it because I thought it was poisonous and it turns out men are immune. I'm off to paint my collection of cat feces.
Women needn't despair however, because all other pooh types are apparently acceptable so you can find your own substitute fecal matter to play with. Your days of rolling around in cat crap may be over but I'm sure you'll get over it.

X- Ray Dress

The baby G recently discovered she could get the bathroom door open. Unfortunately, while on a particularly dangerous mission to liberate the rubber duck stranded in the bath she caught her hand in the door, making her little finger swell up. Cue a quick trip to the x- ray department.

Because I had to sit with her while they did the x- ray they dragged out this huge red lead lined surcoat that they strapped me in. Baby G gave me that slightly puzzled look she gives whenever she finds something is a little weird and I think seeing her dad strapped in to an armoured dress definately counted. I must have looked like the hardest transvestite this side of London.

The doctor puts down a plate for G to put her hand on flat which she immediately does without any prompting. Because everyone was expecting her to take some convincing the doctor and the nurse with us stop trying to explain what they need us to do and start running around like headless chickens in order to get back behind the barrier so that they can quickly zap off an x- ray before she moves.

Still, it's all done now. The fingers clearly not hurting her- they think she's just bruised it, but we'll get the x- ray results next week (I'm sure these things get done much quicker on Scrubs...).

And yes I did have to give the surcoat back which was a shame because I was all set for a Knights who say "Ni" re- enactment.
:-(

The G Spot

A letter meme.
Here's how it works: Leave a comment on this post asking for a letter of your own and I'll tag you with a random one. You then have to write 10 words beginning with your letter together with an explanation of what the word means to you and why.
Megan over at Graycastle hit me with a G, so here goes.

Gothic: I'm drawn to most things Gothic, from books to architechture. I like wondering around interesting buildings, ruined castles, anywhere with a bit of history. I much prefer Gothic horror to anything gory. I love atmosphere. Dracula and Frankenstein are obvious books that I can read over and over again. Edgar Allan Poe is one of my favourite authors.

Ghosts: This kind of links to my above choice. I was fascinated by ghosts when I was younger. Even today I like to hear a good ghost story.

Graveyard: There's a definite theme developing here isn't there...? There's a churchyard at the top of the road where I used to live. In fact I've recently moved back in to the same street. When I was a boy I'd walk through it to school every day. A lot of the children played there, regularly collecting conkers from the trees in the Autumn. Churchyards are just fascinating places to wonder around. You can read the inscriptions on the tombstones and just wonder who these people had been, what sort of lives they led.

Gym: Not planning to go any time soon... although I probably need to. I just find the whole idea of those places horrifying. It's probably just another one of my weird phobias.

"Good Grief": Dangermouse's favourite cuss. I'm probably the only person I know who uses it! I'm not particularly big on swearing so I always get funny looks if I ever use this. Dangermouse was a great cartoon, when I was growing up. Actually it still is. Spider bought me a DM DVD recently and the series really was as good as I remembered. His arch enemy was Baron Silas Greenback. Can I count that?

Graboid: Come on, how can you not like 'Tremors'. Surely one of the greatest B- movies ever.

"Roger that Burt, and congratulations. Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers."

Glass: Without it my flat would be very drafty.
I wear glasses, partly in the faint hope that they make me look vaguely knowledgable and partly because I can't stand the thought of sticking contact lenses in my eye.

Greedo: Han shot first dammit! Anyone that says otherwise is a liar.

Gryphon: Or 'Griffin', I just prefer the 'y' spelling. Mythology and Cryptozoology is something else I've always been interested in.

Gravity: My favourite 'G' word. Where would we be without it? Gravity is all sorts of weird and fascinating. It's also an amazing album by Our Lady Peace, which I would highly recommend to anyone. In fact the 'Gravity' album was a major inspiration for a comicbook I've been trying to work on with some friends. You can see a picture of our lead character here.

"The pink pills are for your sanity
We are buried in the earth because we can't beat gravity."- Matt Good 'Near Fantastica'

Phew! That's ten! I'm just glad I managed to do it without having to resort to using the names of people I know.

Don't watch that. Watch this. This is the heavy, heavy monkey sound.

...As Madness never said.

But seriously, I mean it; there's nothing to see here, please move along. Change the channel and go here instead.

It makes King Kong look like a love story.

All the fun of the (comic) fare

Today I was off to the Royal National Hotel in London. They were holding a comicbook marketplace thing there so Nigs, Redrawn and myself met up at Victoria station to head over and investigate.

I hadn't been to one of these events for what must be nearly 10 years. In that time I've changed jobs, married, divorced, fallen for a woman with a near limitless patience for my geekiness and become a dad. With that in mind it felt strange to be going back to one of these.

Nigs had brought his wife along, presumably in case he ran out of cash or (more likely) to make sure he didn't go overboard and hire a truck to take home all the comics he was finding. It was his first time at one of these but judging from the number of bags he left with I'm sure it won't be his last.

Redrawn showed an amazing amount of restraint purchasing just one 'Serenity' graphic novel the whole day while I decided to relive my childhood and picked up some of the new 'Transformers' titles floating around. As I write this I still haven't read them yet, convinced they can't possibly live up to my memories of the issues I read when I was much younger. I'll bite the bullet eventually but until then I did manage to get a copy of 'Batman: Dark Victory' that I had been after for ages.

I think Redrawn was just happy to be around people geekier than him.

Even better was the fact that when I got home Spider baked some cakes (she's a great cook but hates baking). You probably think the fact I bought 'Transformer' comics is bad enough so I won't mention the fact that the cakes have little icing Mr. Men on them.

However Spider wasn't too pleased later that evening when we played the Lord of the Rings DVD edition of Trivial Pursuit we'd recently bought. After collecting all of her little cheeses she then spent the rest of the game trying to get to the centre of the board for a winning question. I had one cheese at that point and then promptly managed to get all of my other ones, headed straight for the middle of the board, landing there on my first try, answered the question and won.

I'm glad she made those cakes before we played.

Little White Lies

This had me laughing out loud when it was passed to me at work today (thanks korova!) so I thought I'd share it here.

The art of the pointless yet plausible lie.

Face it. You'll all be doing this now (those of you who aren't already).